Forget Me Not
by Aikawa Fuuko
Summary: The feelings Hikaru had for Akira was eating him up. Would Hikaru gather enough courage to either confess it or forget it and move on? [Rewritten: January 24th]


A/N: This is a one-shot, but maybe I would write a sequel... not yet though. Thanks for all the reviews. Sorry if there was some mistakes in the first version. I was kinda rushed at that time.

Summary and posted by: Kal Kally (Right? I'm not sure…)

Rewritten and edited: January 24th

Disclaimer: HnG is not mine.

_Dedicated to You - my Special One._

**_~*~ Forget Me Not ~*~_**

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_I don't want to keep up an illusion anymore, but it seems that I have no other choice..._

I stare blankly at the small piece of paper in front of me. I am crazy. Yes, I am indeed very crazy. I don't understand why the hell I am doing this. This is nonsense, absolutely ridiculous, crazy... I am totally out of my mind here. How can I be doing something like this? What has driven me to do this thing? There is definitely something wrong with my mind here... This is not like me at all, this is not like the usual carefree and cheerful Shindou Hikaru at all... Why the hell am I doing this?

_Touya__ Akira._ An unknown voice inside my head immediately answers my question without any hesitation. 

Yes, because of Touya Akira that I am doing this. My _eternal rival_ who makes my heart beat faster and my face flush with a smile whenever he is around me. That green-eyed boy invades my mind everyday, every hour, every minute, every second... He disturbs my daily life, my Go games, my meals, my sleep... 

He wouldn't let me go, he has captured me... with those intense emerald eyes... His image haunts my mind from day to day, to the point it drives me exhausted. Everything I do, it reminds me of him. Everywhere I go, I see his shadow there. Every time I try to sleep, thoughts about him like ocean waves rush into my mind. He is unknowingly haunting me... I cannot escape... and I cannot stand it anymore.

I have decided to tell him about these feelings I have.

But I am confused. What can I say to him? I can't just go and tell him that I can't stop thinking about him all the time, can I? I can't... It would be too awkward to tell him these words... They sound awkward even to me... So I have decided to write them out in a letter instead, and then I will send him this letter together with my Christmas card for him. That's better, isn't it? This way I won't have to face him when I reveal all my secrets to him...

These hidden secrets I have kept locked away for so long... I don't even know when they started. Some beautiful day, and I just found out that I had started to feel something strange whenever I was around this green-eyed boy. I blush when he comes near me. I feel happy when he talks to me, even when he glares at me... I cannot tear my gaze away from his beautiful eyes, spending unnecessary and ridiculously long pauses between moves just to drown myself in those deep emerald pools. I somehow want to touch him, hug him, to feel him in my arms. I can't understand myself.

More than once I look deep into his eyes, staring at his beautiful face openly, trailing my eyes along his feature, on the smooth white skin to his rose parted lips... suddenly having the urge to press my own lips against his to taste the sweetness there... to caress his smooth cheeks... to entangle my hands in his silky dark hair... And then I would abruptly jerk away from my daydream, feeling shameful, guilty and horrified at those forbidden images...

And then I started to feel hurt by him. It all started on that night, when he phoned me. I was so happy to hear his soft voice, because he rarely phoned me. Even if it had been some minor problems about Go or something like that, I would have been happy to talk to him. But unfortunately, it was not about Go. It was about some _girl_, as strange as that might sound. His father... or rather, his mother arranged for him to meet some girl the next day for... a date. They thought it was time for him to get a girlfriend and join the world outside without Go. And he asked me what he should prepare, for he thought I had more experience in this.

My mind totally went numb at that moment. I don't remember a single thing I said at that time. Pain swelled up in my chest, and all of sudden I felt hurt so much. A single thought hit me like a rock: I was a hopeless sappy freak. I daydreamed about him all the time, but I forgot one important thing: I was nothing more than a mere rival to him. I had no place in his heart. We might be friends, but nothing more... He trusted me, what else could I ask for? I was so hopeless...

I was vaguely aware of teasing him and then assuring him that everything would go well in this first date of his... I remember laughing and joking at his shyness... I forced myself to smile... He seemed to be thankful... And when I hung up, I broke. The forced smile immediately vanished and was replaced by a blazing pain that hurt so much. I was truly hopeless. I was nothing in his eyes. Questions were swirling in my head, but I had already known the answers.

Somehow I found myself talking to Waya. That was strange, wasn't it? But... at least I was thankful for him to cheer me up... even though just a little bit... I still remember what he said.

_"Ah, smile up, Hikaru! It's not like you to be this gloomy!"_

_"... You're right. I should smile. But... you know... it's easy to smile... but it's difficult to smile a_ true _smile..."_

I was sure that the next day I would be smiling and laughing and talking cheerfully to everyone, to him again... But no one would know... that I was hurt inside... looking at him and knowing that he didn't care for me the way I wanted him to... 

So I assured myself that all the things I felt for him were just my own illusions, the illusions that I had unconsciously created for being near him so long... They had to be illusions, because I could not feel like that for him, because we're both guys... I believed that they were just illusions and told myself to break out from them.

_Sometimes, I do believe that feelings are just illusions. Feelings are just what we want them to be. Aren't they? All of these feelings I think I have... they are just illusions... the way I want them to be... because I'm lonely... I want to live in illusions... Do I?_

I have decided that I need to stay strong, I need to go on. Because I'm the strong one. I'm the optimistic one. I'm the cheerful one. Right? I will stay strong, no matter what.

However, I never expected for the illusions to get even stronger and more real by the day. I still cannot tear my gaze away from him. His image still haunts my mind every night. I cannot escape. I am hopeless. I am trapped by his eyes. Though I know that I have no place in his heart... My own heart has become so heavy I can't stand it anymore... for all the wounds he has unknowingly hurt me... I at least need to tell him that he has hurt me, make him stop this madness... That's not too much to ask for, is it? He is my friend after all... He wouldn't want to hurt me, would he?

Oh, there I went again with my endless musing about him. I need to stop this... It's no good for me, is it? I will start losing my games for sure if this keeps up... I cannot keep all of this buried in my mind anymore... I need to let them out... I want to tell him everything... I sigh and put my pen down, glancing at my watch. It's exact twelve a.m. The letter is finished. I read it again and...

_Touya__, I know you'd be very surprised when you read these words. I myself don't understand why I'm writing this. But... there's something I want to tell you... things that normally I would never have enough courage to tell you..._

I trail my eyes along the lines, reading every word carefully. Such a long letter, but I didn't even tell him all of my feelings... just small bits of them... And the ending of the letter...

_I wonder why I can't escape from my illusions, Touya. Why? Why can't I? Why do I keep living in my own illusions without any way out? Maybe you don't understand what I am talking about, right? That's all right, because neither do I. I don't understand myself. I never make sense, do I? So please, after reading this letter, forget it. Forget its existence. Throw this away if you like. Please. Tomorrow, I would not answer if you asked. So forget this, will you? This is just my stupid rambling, so... please, Touya... forget this letter's existence the moment you finish reading it. We will always be friends. I am sorry if I hurt you somehow._

I am sorry... even when the one who's hurt is me. Such a long letter, but I never wrote the sentence "I like you" or "I am attracted to you" or "I can't stop thinking about you". I never let my deepest true feelings for him out. I just told him that I was hurt, but I never told him the true reason why. Good. That way he wouldn't have to worry too much... right... I will keep these inmost feelings to myself... 

I turn off the light... and darkness clouds my eyes...

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

I am so nervous. I gave him that letter this afternoon and told him to read only when he got home. What does he think? What is he doing? Is he thinking about me now? How would he react? Is it really a bad idea to send him that letter? Is it really a bad idea to tell him those things? I am so nervous, I can't think properly anymore... I had a really difficult battle with myself, trying to decide whether to send him the letter or not. I kept mumbling all the afternoon... I was so much like a love-sick schoolgirl... Uhh...

_Ring ring._

I abruptly jump out of my seat, my heart racing. It's him. I just know that it's him... I am trembling now... What's wrong with me? Sweats are trickling down all over my face... What's wrong with me? I stare at the phone in front of me. _Pick it up, idiot! It's him!_ I will know the answer for all my suffering now...

"H-Hello?" I hate it when my voice trembles like this.

"Shindou? It's me, Touya." The familiar soft voice from the other end of the line sends electricity shot through my body. He sounds... strange...

"A-Ah... Touya..." I can't seem to voice a coherent sentence... I don't know what to say...

"Yes... about that letter you gave me..." He is hesitated for a moment. My heart seems to stop. All the colors drain out of my face and I suddenly feel a bit cold.

"Yes?" I try to calm myself. And somehow, that disgustingly fake smile of mine automatically finds its way to my lips again. I hate it when I start to smile forcefully like this... I can't help it... I am smiling... how disgusting... 

Touya's next sentences don't seem to reach my mind. I answer all of them automatically without thinking, that disgustingly fake bright smile never fading... Why...? I am so calm... I should not be like this... I only vaguely notice what he is saying... He is not saying straight to the main problem either... He is also afraid like me... I can feel it through his voice...

"Shindou... when you wrote those words... did you... did you think of me as a girl?" My head snaps up. What??

"Of course not!" I blurt out without thinking. How could he ask that? He is Touya Akira and he is definitely not a girl to me. Why would I think something as strange as that? But wait... I never said that I liked him _that_ way, did I? So why...? Why does he... say that?

"Ah..." His voice seems to soften even more. My heart is fluttering... What now? "Shindou, can I ask you one more thing?"

"Uh huh." I am well aware that I am smiling too brightly for my own good. And I hate that.

"What happened on December 28th last year?"

My face immediately flushes bright red. December 28th. The day I mentioned on that letter. The day my feelings for him were discovered by myself. It rained that day... when Touya... he...

"You don't need to know if you don't remember." I almost snap. And I can practically feel Touya flinch at the other end of the line.

"Shindou... please tell me what happened. Tell me why that day is so important..." His voice is almost begging now... No, I can't let him know... If he doesn't remember, then he doesn't need to know... I refuse his beg. And I cut him off by hanging up the phone abruptly. I can't stand it anymore... I would give into him if I continued...

But before I hang up, he told me a thing that shocked me into silence. He knew of my feelings. I told him. On my birthday last year, I was drunk... and somehow I told him that I liked him... At that time he thought it was only a joke... But now it isn't a joke anymore, is it?

I sink down, sitting on the cold floor. Desperate. I told him my feelings, but I never asked what his feelings for me were... I have realized that I am afraid of the answer... afraid that I'd be hurt more... And he never told me how he felt towards me... Somehow, I am sinking deeper into this illusion...

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

So... he hasn't said anything more since that night about that letter... Everything is almost back to normal now. He still plays with me as usual as if nothing has happened. Maybe I should feel content. Or maybe I'm a bit disappointed... I don't know... If he had asked... Oh well, let that past now. Good that he has agreed to keep silent about that. But I still don't know how he feels about me... Though some weeks ago he told me something...

_"My heart is yet to be moved by anyone (except one person)." _

What does that mean? Who is that person? What is he trying to say to me? Am I... imagining too much again... I don't know... I can't help but keep wondering about the true meaning of his words... If he's saying that he's already got someone, then why does he need to tell me that? Wouldn't it be like he's hurting me? It wouldn't suit a kind person like him. No, he wouldn't do that if he had someone else... So, is he saying that... that... 

Oh, stop it. I am daydreaming again. It's no good thinking like this. I must not continue to think like this, if I don't want to end up being hurt again. It can be just my illusion again, I can never know. I should not fantasize everything, it could be nothing... I don't want to end up breaking down over my own illusion again... Stop it.

_Ring ring._

I look up. Who...?I slowly pick up the phone.

"Yes, Shindou speaking?"

"Shindou. It's me, Touya." The familiar soft voice startles me again. Why...? "Tomorrow you're leaving for your tournament, right? I... just want to say goodbye."

"Aa..." I am confused. I am truly confused. There is something more than just saying goodbye, I know.

"I... want to clear up everything before you go... I want to tell you... about that letter..."

My heart is racing again. I can feel it. And the disgustingly fake bright smile is also back into place again.

"Yes? What about it?"

"I am sorry for what I said that night. I was not thinking clearly at that time. So... you can forget about all of that... I really don't mind... And I won't force you if you don't want to tell me what that day is. I am sorry, Shindou. Just... forget it and forgive me, okay? You're leaving tomorrow... so when you leave, please leave all of those thoughts and confusions here. Forget all of that. Just be content when you leave. From tomorrow onwards, I'll never bother you with this anymore. I am sorry."

It's as if my mind goes blank. He... wants me to forget... Is this... rejection...? He... will never "bother" me with this again? It's as if my heart is breaking... it hurts so much... I can't say anything anymore... His words keep echoing in my mind. He wants me to forget everything... and back to be his _rival_, nothing more. As if nothing has happened between us, as if we are still friends. What a good solution to all of this, isn't it? It would end my sufferings, his worries, all the confusions and awkwardness between us. It would break this illusion of mine.

This is his rejection, or so I believe. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, so I may as well stop to get out of my own feelings... Still, can I do it? There are so many things I want to forget, so many things I want to leave behind in this world... but when I first met him, I realized he was a person I would not want to forget. His eyes have captured me since that fateful day... I want to remember him in the chaos of this life. But now, he tells me to forget... should I do as he says?

Idiot... I am so hopeless... Don't break down, don't cry, Hikaru... This is not like you at all... Don't... don't cry for an illusion... See, this is just my own illusion, so stop it. I... I feel nothing for him... right? I am sure that I don't love him, so I wouldn't cry. This is not... love... no, it's not... just my own illusion... I cannot love him... I would be hurt more if I loved him, so I cannot love him... This is just my own crazy obsession… These feelings are not right, they are forbidden and hopeless and crazy... But, hasn't someone said that the line between obsession and love is as thin as a thread? Still, I am denying it…

I try to tell myself... Don't cry for a broken illusion, because I would sink deeper if I continued... He broke that hopeless and delicate illusion of mine, I should be thankful... right? This is the chance for me to escape all those sufferings, so... why don't I? Why do I still linger here, clinging into the last of those hurtful and forbidden feelings? And suddenly I realize one thing.

I don't want to forget Touya. I don't want to forget these feelings I have for him, no matter how hard I try.

Touya... I am leaving tomorrow... but you know, I cannot leave everything behind. It's impossible for me to forget you... What's left when I come back? Nothing. This illusion you trap me in is too strong, too real... I still cannot escape...

So... what if I won't come back? Will I be able to escape then?

No, I won't.

_~*~*~*~*~*~Forget Me Not ~*~*~*~*~*~_


End file.
